Don't Touch Me!!

I can totally understand that people take interest in my appearance. I get a lot of stares, questions and stupid comments thrown my way by everyday people. I have accepted the fact that this is something I have to deal with by choosing to have 29 visible body piercings. Something I have never been able to get over however, is when people are so bold as to feel the need to physically touch me and my piercings. Most people have a space bubble, and I am no different. When people do this, I feel like they don't regard me as a human being anymore.

I was working at Hot Topic when I got my cheeks pierced. The piercings took a very long time to heal, and they were swollen and sensitive for quite some time. I believe it was about a week into the healing when a woman approached me in my workplace and said "Oh my lord, are those REAL?!?!" and began to fondle my fresh piercings with her dirty fingers. I think this was also the first time I lashed out about being touched as well, I remember pulling away from her and saying "Yes, they are, and freshly pierced. They hurt. I also have feelings, don't touch me." I remember her giving me a disgusted look as well as complaining to my manager about my 'mistreatment' towards her. My manager reacted as I hoped she was going to, she said "Well, I dunno how many other people you poke in the face, but around here we really don't allow customers to 'bad touch' our employees". She left the store in a typical "I'm right, you're wrong" bitch stride.
Another Hot Topic story came about when I got the outline done on my back piece. I couldn't wear a bra because it would have destroyed the line work during the healing process. So I ended up buying a few 'built-in' bra tank tops. I remember I was organizing a rack of pants when I heard someone scream "OH MY GOD! THAT IS SOOOOOOOO COOL!!!!!!" Then I remember hearing someone run up behind me and yank my tank top down. Needless to say, my boobs had popped out of the front, fortunately nobody saw anything. I quickly pulled my tank top back up and turned around to see a woman in her early 30's with dilated pupils and a huge smile on her face. I also saw my manager looking at the transpiring scenario with a look of disbelief. I felt like I had just been raped. This woman kept asking me abrupt questions about my tattoo. Asking a new question before I could even answer the one before it. Eventually she shut up and walked away. I don't remember much because honestly I was traumatized by this woman.

Sometimes little kids can infiltrate my space bubble. I don't mind kids so much because they are honestly curious and I tend to come off like some kind of cartoon character to them. I don't have much of a maternal instinct, if any, but typically I love kids that I'm not responsible for. Anyways, I was standing in line at a gas station when a woman holding a baby got in line behind me. She turned around to look at something behind her when the baby reached out and grabbed the large ring in my earlobe. Now, babies have some sort of freakish strength I cannot even begin to describe, this baby could have quite possibly hung from my earlobe just fine. The mother did not even notice until I had let out the standard "Umm, excuse me. Your baby is attacking me, help!" The woman showed little concern, and her friend had the nerve to take a picture before they bothered to unhook the baby. In the end I felt I was nothing more than entertainment for these people. To think, I could have been a hot tempered lesbian biker who was about to stab them in the face for them laughing, as well as insult to injury. I guess some people don't think about their life ever being at risk when they are in public though.

I'm getting tattooed!!!... I said I'm getting tattooed!!!... I'm getting tattooed!!... I'm getting a tattoo right now!!!

Something I commonly deal with at a tattoo shop are people on cellphones. I personally think cellphones are a wonderful device when used properly, but in the hands of a total fucktard... well, that's another story. Most tattoo shops I have seen enforce a strict rule of not using your cellphone anywhere in a tattoo shop. Sadly, I don't work in that kind of shop.
I am one of those people who get annoyed by anyone using their cellphone in public, especially when it comes to customer service. If I am standing in line waiting to pay for gas and the idiot in front of me is talking on their cellphone as the person at the register is helping them, I think it's pretty fucking rude. Here at the shop, I find it no different.

Today some idiot decided to make a phone call while he was getting tattooed. When you are attempting such a thing it is rather difficult considering there is an electronic device constanly buzzing at loud decibels. I got to hear this retarded conversation in ecchos. "Is Tyrone there......Tyrone...... Hello?.....I said is Tyrone there?......... Hey Tyrone, it's Gino..... Gino.....GINO!!!!....... What's up?........Sup?........ I'm getting tattooed dawg..... I said I'm getting Tattooed...... I'm at the tattoo shop....... TATTOO SHOP!!!!.....Yeah..... It's a badass looking........ Badass......... I said BAD ASS!!!!!!........ OK.........OK......OK...... What you doing later........ what you doing later........ what you doing later......... what you doing later.......Tell that bitch to shut up....... tell her to shut up......... tell her to shut up...... Bitch shut up.........Bye.

By the end I was so irritated I just wanted to throw the red swing line stapler at his head, and all I could think in my head was "Urge to kill...RISING!!" Seriously people, just STOP!!

What did YOU do today???

Ah yes. When you are a female body piercer occasionally you get to do things that a normal female 9-5er does not get to do. Like see a full grown man naked, touch his wiener and then shove a 10 gauge needle though it!! For fuck's sake, it's days like this I sometimes question where I went wrong in life. Oh wait... I remember now... Kids, stay in school!!

This guy came into the shop a few days ago with his wife while she was getting a tattoo. They began to chat with me and upon realizing I was the body piercer they asked me a million and one questions about my job. "So do you do any 'down there' piercings?" the woman asks. I reply "Yeah, they come around every so often, but it's few and far between, it's mainly women that get those kind of piercings" she asked a bunch of questions about vertical hood piercings and it's benefits and if was really worth it. Eventually she began digging into her boyfriend about getting 'his junk' done. I could tell right away that a cock piercing was the LAST thing this dude wanted to endure that day, and I laced the conversation with how the piercing is $100 and that the reason it was so expensive was due to the 'handling fee'. They laughed and departed from the shop after the tattoo was finished.

Today the guy came back. Little did I know that the guy was friends with my boss and the 'go to' guy for anything printer or computer related for the shop. I was called to the back office by my boss where they were hanging out. I knew it was coming... "So, the wife won't leave me alone about getting the Prince Albert done, I was wondering if you would be up to doing it tonight?" I laughed and said "Sure, but are YOU up for doing it, you look a little unsure." Him and my boss went back and fourth for a while. My boss was explaining how the piercing procedure was fast, and that it didn't hurt as bad as he thought it was going to. An hour goes by...

It was now 11:30pm and the shop closes at midnight. I decided "fuck this, I'm gonna scare the shit out of this dude" and began to set up for a Prince Albert piercing. I walked into the back room where this dude and my boss were still hanging out. I looked at him, snapped my fingers in a high energy, Fonzie-like attitude and exclaimed "ALL RIGHT!! You ready to do this, bro?!?!" I saw him sink about 5 feet into the couch. He said "Wow. You know I just got really fucking terrified just now. This couch just became my best friend and my savior!" I looked at him and said "Okay dude, well I'm all set up. So whenever you wanna do this just let me know dude!" I snapped my fingers and did a Micheal Jackson spin/turnaround deal and walked out of the room. I could hear my boss dying of laughter, as well as the dude saying "Oh man... am I gonna do this?"

Eventually this poor guy had endured enough reticule from my boss and began to wonder the shop aimlessly with a dead, glazed over look. He then shuffled his way into my piercing room where I was setting up the final touches for the piercing. I asked him if my boss was going to take pictures of what was going down (as they previously joked about) and he told me "NO WAY!" I laughed and then told him to close the door behind him. I'm sure in his head, the sound of the door closing was some kind of epic sound to him much like a sealing of a tomb.
Everything was in place and ready to go, I was maintaining very good conversation with this dude (eye contact!!!). Eventually though, the had to take his pants off. Now I know from experience how fucking difficult it is to drop trou in front of a total stranger you are paying to shove a needle through a sensitive area, and I just knew this guy was going to have a difficult time. He looked at me and said "I have to take my pants ALL the way off?" I looked at him and said "Man, if there was any other way for me to do this that involved the pants staying on, I would do it. Believe me!" He laughed and said "I can't just, pull it out a little?" I felt really bad about laughing at this comment, but every guy I have ever pierced (outside of total perverts) have said the same thing. Finally I got him in the chair, I did what I had to do making the proper markings and began to explain what I was about to do to his manhood and how to breathe. I always find it difficult to hold up a receiving tube roughly the diameter of a pencil and tell a guy "This is going to go into your urethra", it always has the same effect, sheer terror!!

After I explained everything to him, he began to lose color in his face. He explained to me that he felt like he was going to pass out so I pulled off the gloves, pulled the garbage can next to him (in case he puked) and got him a soda. This is where it always becomes complicated. 60% of the time the client begins to have second thoughts, and they always seem to have this inaudible conversation with their penis, almost like they are apologizing to it. For the average man, this can take anywhere from 10-45 minutes. This whole time I am left standing in a tiny room with my back to a half naked man who is 'talking' to his penis trying to psyche himself up. The fact that my boss was standing outside the door screaming "You can do it dude!!!" did not help this specific case. Finally my client laid back into the chair, put his hoodie over his face and gave me (literally) a thumbs up. At this point I was so fucking relieved I managed to do the piercing at record time flawlessly. After all was said and done, he pulled his hoodie off his face, almost mad, saying "That was it?!?!?! Are you fucking serious??? God I'm a fucking pussy!!! Yeah that tube hurt a little but god damn, I thought it was going to be worse than that!!!!" I was just relieved it was all over and I walked away without having to reassure him that it was a 'good size' or any bullshit like that.




In the past I have found myself in situations where the guy is NOT nervous about getting a cock piercing, and this usually will send up a red flag for me. When a guy is not nervous it can mean a number of things, I usually wish this is because they already have a collection of genital piercings but it usually means they are a fucking pervert.

I had a guy come in who wanted his scrotum pierced and specifically requested me to do it. I thought optimistically that it was because I was new to the area and he wanted to check out the new piercer or simply felt more at ease with a female piercer, but this was not the scenario that transpired. He decided he wanted 2 piercings in his nut sack, and so I got everything ready. By the time I called him back to the piercing room he had already began to take his pants off, I thought this was strange, but I am also naive at this point. He sat down in the chair and said "Okay sweetheart, do what you gotta do!"
I cleaned the area and made the markings and had him approve the piercing locations. The piercing procedure itself went just fine, and when all was done I was feeling real good about getting over the phobia of piercing genitalia. I told the client "Okay man, you are all done, you did great" he looked at me and said "Yes, and so did you" he then pulled out a $20 bill and waived it in my face and said "Happy ending?" I looked at him and said loudly "Are you fucking kidding me???" he looked at me and said "Come on, just for a minute" and began stroking it, right in front of me. At this point I have completely shit a brick and could not believe this was happening, I yelled "Fuck you asshole, get the fuck out of here!" My co-worker immediately came running into the room and saw the situation unfolding and yelled "What the fuck is going on here?!?" I yelled back, quite upset "He's a fucking sick pervert, get him the fuck out of here now!!!" He was then grabbed by his neck and drug out into the lobby with his pants still around his ankles. At this point I was in the other room, understandably quite upset, I heard them scuffling and yelling at each other, in the end heard the guy confess to what he had done. I heard my co-worker yell for me to come into the lobby, and quite embarrassed, did so. My co-worker grabbed this man by the neck and forced this head down onto the counter as he yelled to him "You apologize to this woman, right fucking now!!!" he man screamed in pain "I'm sorry, I'm sorry!! I will never do it again!!" My co-worker exclaimed "You are NEVER allowed in here again, do you understand??? How much does this guy owe you anyway???" I reply "$80" he responded with "Well it just got doubled, you play the lady!!" The man was pretty roughed up at this point, and without making eye contact handed me $160. He was then, literally, thrown out of the front door.



Come to think of it, the only other time I had a similar situation involved piercing a scrotum as well. Of course it was not taken to such a crazy level, but it was still a little unsettling. He was just a sexual deviant swinger that asked me to go out with him and his 2 girlfriends to join them in some kind of crazy group sex orgy. At the risk of sounding like a prude, there was absolutely NO way I was going to do this. I'd just broken up with my boyfriend of 5 years and was not about to go on some slut fest with complete strangers (that were my parents age) to make myself feel better. Also, I am quite monogamous.
The best part about this specific encounter was the fact that I got to use a 6 Gauge needle on the dude. Now, I don't care how hard you think you are, 6 Gauge is fucking huge and it hurts (yes, I speak from firsthand experience. My 6G navel piercing HURT!!)!! The gauge is a little bit smaller than the diameter of a drinking straw. The fact that I got to shove it through the nut sack of a guy I already did not like, was just icing on the cake.

And you think your job sucks!?!?!

Why Drinking and Tattoos don't mix

One of my favorite stories from the past involves a tattooists worst nightmare, a drunk. Back when I worked at a shop in my hometown of Fridley, MN I received a phone call from a man trying to find our shop. He called several times lost, despite the simple directions on how to get there. At one point during these phone conversations he asked "how much for a tattoo?" I did my typical response of "Our shop minimum is $40 and goes up from there" and really over the phone, this is all you can say. The phone rang again and I answered it, it was same guy, this time he was in the parking lot trying to figure out where we were. This is when I had enough and walked to the front door and waved at him and said "Can you see me waving, this is where we are" he replies "OK, I see you" and hangs up. I then sat down behind the counter and waited for him to come inside.
Eventually in walks a man who looks as though he had seen better days, unshaven and rather haggard looking with dirty clothes. He approaches me, staring blankly and says "I'm here for a tattoo..." I replied, looking through the appointment books "Okay, do you have an appointment?" again he stares at me blankly. Confused I looked back at him and realized that this dude just walked in off the street. I said "well that's okay, we have an artist available for a walk in, what did you want to do today?" He stared at me like I was an idiot and says "I want a tattoo". Now, most people upon entering a tattoo shop either A: Know what they want, B: want to get ideas, or C: Want to talk to an artist.
The artists at my shop were a little on the 'rock star attitude' side so I decided to take it upon myself to continue talking to this guy. I asked "Well, okay. You want a tattoo, what kind of tattoo do you want?" He stood there again staring blankly at me, I stared blankly back at him for a few seconds just waiting for drool to come out of his mouth. I continued talking "Well, do you want a skull... or a armband..." he cuts me off "YEAH! I WANT AM ARMBAND!!!" I reply "Okay, now we are getting somewhere". I stood up from behind the counter and walked over to the flash racks where I knew a majority of the armband designs were at. All of a sudden I smell something horrific, it was him. Clearly he had indulged in some heavy drinking of whiskey, for possibly the last few nights. You really can tell if someone had been drinking beer, vodka, gin or whiskey by the aroma that comes off of them, and this dude just fucking reeked!! He began looking at tattoo designs and I approached the available artist at this time. He looked at me and said "What's up?" I replied "I got a guy out here, I'm quite sure he is 3 sheets to the wind, and he wants an armband tattoo. I'm sorry, I don't know what to say to him, it's your call anyway" he replies "Great..." and approaches the customer. At this point I decided to walk back behind the counter and enjoy the show.
The artist and client went back and fourth for a little while and the client decided on a armband of barbed wire (awesome, huh?). They argued about the price after he was told the tattoo design he chose was going to be about $200. He looked at me, pointing and said "She said it would cost $40!!!!!!!!" The artist stood up for me saying "No, what she said is that our shop MINIMUM for a tattoo is $40. That $40 is our minimum set up fee". Needless to say this guy was beginning to get pissed off, and eventually he decided he wanted the $100 version of this tattoo design. The artist, also pissed off, walked back into his room and began redrawing the "$100 version" of this Bad Idea tattoo. Eventually he brought a drawing out for him and asked "How does this look?" not even looking at the design the guy replies "Yeah that is perfect!" At this point I needed him to fill out the typical paperwork that is involved when receiving a tattoo. I asked to see his I.D and he got pissed, talking about how he has never been carded for anything before in his life. Finally he gave me his I.D. and began filling out the proper paperwork... very poorly I might add. Eventually the guy was all ready to go and I could not believe this hungover fuck was about to get a tattoo in his current condition. The artist approached him and said "Okay bro, is this going to be cash or credit?" The man then pulls out a CHECKBOOK!!!! You could just hear the metaphorical car tires screeching in the air when this happened. Now, I don't know of ANY tattoo shops that accept personal checks as a form of payment, in fact there is usually a sign on the door that says "We do NOT accept checks!" though we did not put it passed this guy that he never saw it. I thought for sure all hell was about to break loose. The artist says "Oh hey man, yeah, we don't take checks" the guy replies with "What the FUCK are you talking about?!?!?!" The artist began to back off his attitude a little bit asking if he had a debit card or if there was anyway he could get cash, but today was a Sunday, and we all kinda knew where this was going. He even offered to schedule him an appointment for a later date (mainly when he was sober and had money) The guy began to argue and attempted to barder with the artist saying things like "Man, come on. Come on dude. Dude, Come on. I want to do this today!" but this was getting him nowhere. Eventually there was an explosion of obscenities in the shop as the guy left. Never to be seen again... not that we ever lost any sleep over it.

Tom Waits and Giraffes

Normally when you have a huge snow storm, a tattoo or body piercing is the last thing someone has on their mind. I spent a majority of the day with co-workers laughing at cars trying to drive up a rather steep hill that our shop overlooks. This sort of thing can only captivate me for maybe a half hour tops. The majority of the day was spent listening to every single Tom Waits song you could possibly imagine. The day finally got better once we convinced the manager that we should close up shop due to the snow emergency. We stayed open of course, this was simply a ploy to get rid of him for the day. It worked, and it was good.

In the evening we had a pair of lesbians come in. Normally this does not bother me but I just thought the couple seemed (sorry to be ironic) queer... they were both African and the one was much prettier and more attractive than her counterpart. I find this normally the case with couples in general though. There was definitely something up with this relationship. I soon figured out that the attractive girl with a smoking ass and killer tits was a complete retard. She was one of those females that, when she saw something she wanted, she HAD to have it... and obviously her partner was willing to give it to her. She took one look at me and decided she wanted cheek piercings and would not drop it. After a long drawn out explanation as to why cheek piercings are a bad idea for your 'casual modified person' she finally let down (the 9 month healing time where everything tasted like rotten eggs usually does the trick). In the end, this couple left with each others names tattooed on their necks. What a bad fucking idea...

The evening came and in walked a man I found interesting right away. First off the dude was wearing shorts in the middle of a snowstorm and secondly he had brown blotches tattooed all over his legs. I thought for a moment that maybe he had some kind of skin disorder, but after looking at it once more I knew it was in fact tattoo ink. He spoke with an artist, and 15 minutes later my co-worker called to him over saying "Okay Giraffe, you're up!" Normally I do not intrude upon why people tattoo the things they do on the body, unless I am genuinely interested... and believe me I was. When I asked him as to why he was tattooing giraffe markings all over his body he gave me a long story about how if he had a totem, it would be a giraffe. I thought this was strange, how does one feel connected to such an animal, but the more I thought about it, it made sense... I feel connected to cats. As he was getting tattooed we chatted a little bit more about his 'totem' and how he is actually thinking about tattooing his feet black or perhaps tattooing a hoof design that went down onto the foot. He spoke about tattooing his tongue black and getting his tongue web cut so he could perhaps grip things with it. I sat there completely amazed by this person, shaking my head in disbelief yet understanding. This dude was for real. Out of all the clients I have seen come through my shop, he was for sure a new favorite. I hope he continues to come to us for his transformation, total sweetheart.

The bigger they are, the harder they fall.

So it is time for my first entry. At a Tattoo shop, you sometimes get some really dumb questions. Often time I sum this up to people being generally nervous about the procedure and what it's going to cost them, which is fine, perfectly normal. I understand being nervous, I have quite a collection of ink and metal and I still get butterflies in my stomach before a procedure.

Since beginning my Body Modification addiction many years ago, I have noticed women take the pain a LOT better than men. I'm sure this has to do with the fact that women just take pain better, what with child birth and all. I really do feel a lot of it has to do with masculinity as well.
The years I have worked within the walls of a shop, I have seen a lot of weird shit. For every female that faints there are 20 guys who faint, usually during a small tattoo as well. Rarely do you see a guy faint who is getting the big ass skull on his chest, its usually something really lame like the wife's name.
One time back in 2003 I was getting a good sized tattoo on my kneecap. I had to wait for the tattoo artist to do a 'real quick' zodiac tattoo on this guys arm about the size of a golf ball. "Should only take about 15 minutes" the artist said. I reply "Okay man, no problem" and waited patiently.... well an hour and a half later, after this client sweated bullets, cried, vomited twice and passed out for 30 minutes I finally got into the chair. I remember feeling really bad for this dude because he sat in the tattoo shop under 'observation' the entire time I got tattooed. The tattoo I got that day dwarfed his completely. To this day I look back and feel kinda bad for him, but I often laugh about it too.

As far as clients I have worked on, my favorite is still one that involves a guy. I was working in a shop back in my hometown when a guy came in and wanted some piercings. He wanted an eyebrow piercing and a helix piercing (upper ear). He sat down in the chair and I go through my speech of what to expect and what to do (Mainly don't stop breathing). He understood and I then preformed the eyebrow piercing. I took a step back to check on him asking the usual, "How are you feeling? Lightheaded? Dizzy? No? Okay, would you like to do the other one right away or would you like a moment?" He replied, all tough guy sounding "I'm FINE! Just do the other one right now!" So I proceeded. After executing the piercing and getting the jewelry in place I noticed he looked a little flushed. I asked "Hey man, how are you doing? Are you lightheaded?" as I pulled the trash can closer to him in the event he was going to vomit. He replied rather clearly "I THINK YOU PARALYZED MY FUCKING FACE, YOU STUPID CUNT!!!" At this point I could only shrug it off and tend to my client as any good professional would. In the end it took a lollipop for him to get back on his feet. After he paid for his piercings and I was finished giving him his aftercare, I looked at him and said "Okay. #1, don't ever call me a cunt again, Ever. #2, don't believe everything you see on television. Piercing ear cartilage will not paralyze your face. Okay?" The look he gave me after I said that. I thought he was going to pass out, again.

My Introduction!

Hello! My name is Hardware! I work as a Body Piercer in a Tattoo shop in Minnesota (Where I may or may not say). I was recently inspired by my brothers blogspot to start my own. He is documenting his adventures working at a Porn Shop. I thought to myself "Holy Shit! I have all sorts of crazy stories, and a lot of time to kill!!" So sorry bro, I'm not trying to steal your thunder or anything, but some of the fucked up people I deal with on an everyday basis is just as amusing. Just not in a sexual way...

I am sure I will have no shortage of amusing stories to publish... and with how reality media is sucking up the Tattoo industry these days, who knows, maybe I can have my own T.V. show... not that I would ever consent myself to such a thing. So anyway, I hope you enjoy the everyday craziness that is my screwed up life! Just be happy it's not you!!